Funny how often I get accused of not having the ability to subject myself to strong emotions; whatever that definition is to most people. It's not that I don't want to, it's that my volume is turned down, lower than most. And I'm very productive in resolving any human relationship problems, issues, hurdles when I'm aware of them. Just because the world doesn't get to witness me fall apart, it doesn't give anyone the right to judge the fire in my heart. Just because I don't wear my heart on my sleeve or show you, you, and YOU my vulnerable side, it doesn't mean that I'm emotionally incompetent. It's just my own survival skills to help me remain graceful through adversity.
I can love, give love, and be loved. I can show you all of this. As the circus master of life lessons pokes his stick at me to jump for his amusement, I can put my emotions aside and just observe while being taunted. I won't overreact, faint on the couch, get out of control, or perform for others. It's very rare for people to see me fall apart. I can hold the sweetest smile and maintain a graceful stance while turmoil erupts in my heart.
― I have my own way of processing love.
― I have my own way of processing pain.
― I have my own way of processing challenges.
― I have my own way of resolving problems.
It's true, I have experienced loss in many forms. I've buried more friends and loved ones than anyone could handle in two lifetimes. I have been in every natural catastrophe known to man, whether physically or nearby. I know first hand what hunger, starvation and defeat feels like. I've witnessed human beings at their worst while living their own personal hell. While others are mourning, I'm the one being asked to pay the mortuary bill. While others are drinking and getting high to bury their pain, I'm the sober one making the funeral plans. While others were crying, I've had to walk in a room of nightmares without showing my own emotions or response. I am the one my loved ones trust to fall on when all hell breaks loose. It has been a horrible burden to carry. My family and friends trust and know they can depend on me at all times. I am the one who will drive through a tornado and be at their door by daylight to provide help and support. I am the backbone of my family. I've accepted this responsibility willingly. I've worn this uniform for way too long to change who I am. I know who I am and the role I've been assigned.
How dare you judge me because of my smile and grace. You've never had to experience my suffering. And I pray, with all my heart, you never will. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I ask that you just be there. Enjoy me, when the champagne, laughter and good times are flowing, but don't expect me to perform for your own emotional needs. Unless you're willing to invest your time and heart in my life, or wipe the tears from my face -- reserve your opinions to yourself.
No one has walked in my shoes.
No one has trudged the roads that I have, paved only by God himself.
― LRAEBROWN © 2013